Programmer Humor for the Holidays

Code Monkey
Maybe we programmers take ourselves too seriously.  How else do you explain the infamous Google Manifesto written by James Damore linking programming ability to gender?  Or  Levandowski being charged with stealing Waymo's intellectual property and fleeing to Uber?  Or the growth of the tech-bro culture?

If only a sense of humor could be tested as part of the interview process!  I've found humorists and comedians to be remarkably intelligent, as a good sense of humor requires imagination, a strong grasp of wordplay, and the ability to read a room.

To help with the upcoming holiday gatherings, I've collected a handful of programmer jokes.  Use at your own risk.

Q: How do you get rich with C++?
A: Inheritance!

Q: Why is C a rude language?
A: Because it has no class.

Q: Why do Java programmers wear glasses?
A: Because they can't "see sharp."  (C#, developed by Microsoft, gets grudging respect as Java done right)

The one-liner below is credited to Eric S. Raymond, and is less of a joke and more of a programmer and managerial insight:

If you have four groups working on a compiler, you'll get a four-pass compiler.

This next one is popular among those who studied the physical sciences.  It's not related to programming per se, but top programmers will get it:

So, Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!" The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk. "A cat," Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead." Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

A variation for electrical engineers adds Georg Ohm to the car just so he can be charged with resisting arrest.

Lastly, what is the difference between Ops, Dev, and a project manager?  Originally, the joke posed the question with an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician,  but I've reworked it for programmers.  Apologies for making the project manager the punchline.  Indeed, I have had the good fortune to work for some very good project managers, but I am taking the easy way to make the joke work:

Ops walks into a room, sees a fire on the floor and a bucket of sand hanging on the wall.  Taking the bucket, he pours the sand over the fire, puts it out, and leaves the room.  (Ops, being very practical, handles fires such a network outages, disk crashes, and security breaches.)

Dev walks into a room, sees a fire on the floor and a bucket of sand hanging on the wall.  Taking the bucket, he carefully circles the fire with the sand, sits down, and studies the flames. (Devs studies bugs, what causes them and what are their impacts.)

A project manager walks into a room, sees a fire on the floor and a bucket of sand hanging on the wall.  Seeing that the problem can be solved, he leaves.  (Ha ha. Like the mathematician who lives in a theoretical world, the project manager hands off real work to someone else.)

Happy Holidays!


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